It's been a little while since we've all beaten up a beat over in Seaside Heights, so we've got a lot to analyze. Just caught some extra stuff online where they actually had Kenny from the challenge shows interview a few of them. I'll be honest--it wasn't exactly Frost/Nixon. But there were some entertaining rips on each other.
Through 5 episodes, it's fair to say that The Situation has developed into hands down the most interesting member of the cast. The remarkable part of the arc, and what's kept him at the forefront, has been his being exposed not as the master player, but as an insecure and surprisingly desperate mess. He's kind if morphing into a spray-tanned Kanye West, minus the part about having an identifiable talent.
Unlike the rest of the house, he seems to get where he is both in the house and in the world outside of Guido City, USA. He appears to understand the fact that he's basically an aging, somewhat fugly, personal trainer who can't get any of the local skankery to return his calls.To paraphrase Ronnie, Mike would get freaky with a Gatorade bottle by this point. The fact that he gets it and has become so desperate in chasing anything resembling a female is really a surprising turn since the start and has begun to isolate him from the others--I'm guessing his trying to talk up some woman while Snookie was bleeding on the ground will be an ongoing source of contention. I'm thinking he breaks down and cries before the end of one of these things--this cat is fragile as all hell.
As for the others, there's less to get excited over. I love Pauly D, but he just might be the least self-aware character I've ever seen (insert comment about being "Rhode Island's Number One DJ"). It's entertaining in some ways, but I'm afraid he might be a little one-note after another week or so. As a side note, there was some female he brought home an episode or so ago that looked like a less attractive John Daly (pic). OK, that was just an excuse to make you look at a picture of the old John Daly.
The rest of the people seem to have their one gimmick and not a hell of a lot else. Ronnie and Sammie seem to just have their deal and are kind of boring overall. Vinnie seems likable enough, but about as exciting to watch as day old bread pudding. Snookie and JWowwheria are crazy drunken whores, but I'm not sure that we didn't know that about 35 seconds into episode 1. The two of them together are about as stable as a Jenga pile on a wake board.
And to set the record straight, the blue roses that Chumpy McGee sent JWoww aren't anything rare or exotic, or as she called them, "the rarest roses--you can't even get them in New York." I'm sure you're right JWoww, the rarest flowers in the world are only available in the seediest part of Jersey. That makes sense. For chrissakes you moron they're just white ones painted blue! I looked into this and actual "blue roses" do exist and are hard to come by, but they look mauve and not blue. Those Ikea blue ones she got were some cheap ass spray paint crap. Yes, I actually looked this stuff up and recognize the serious need to find a better use for my time. Oh well.
Until next time, keep your poofs fluffy and your hair crunchy. We'll probably revisit things in a couple of weeks.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Every Time I Lift My Shirt, A Little Part of Me Dies
Bonus Post!
Dear friend of the blog (for this purpose we will name him "T WILLZZZ" or "The Equilibrium") sent along this fantastic link from Funnyordie.com. It's spot on for the blog, and leads right in to an upcoming post, probably Wednesday. Maybe my favorite part is Pauly D's unidentified accent. I can't tell if it's English or just his guess at"how a smart person would sound."
Thanks so much, Equilibrium.
Click here for the video (really need to catch the whole thing)
Dear friend of the blog (for this purpose we will name him "T WILLZZZ" or "The Equilibrium") sent along this fantastic link from Funnyordie.com. It's spot on for the blog, and leads right in to an upcoming post, probably Wednesday. Maybe my favorite part is Pauly D's unidentified accent. I can't tell if it's English or just his guess at"how a smart person would sound."
Thanks so much, Equilibrium.
Click here for the video (really need to catch the whole thing)
Looking Back From 2020
Wow, so here we are in the crazy era of 2020!! Man, that Tristan really aged well. What a sexy slab of man that guy still is. It's really depressing, though, that he still has nothing better to do than blog about stuff.
While we're here, let's take a look back through the last decade or so back through to the start-up of IWICQYTB:
1) Tiger Woods bounced back from his tabloid mess and pretty much kept on winning. He made it clear that he felt bad about what had happened, but never gave in to the pricks who wanted him to come and kiss their asses. He ended up passing Nicklaus' Majors record, and while he never regained his standing as a major endorsement figure, the whole scandalous element blew over the way these things always do. He never really turned into the villain, either, he just kept to himself and won a ton of tournaments, basically a golf version of Kobe Bryant.
2) Speaking of Kobe Bryant, he won another championship with the Lake show and Pau Gasol. As Kobe started to fade a little, Gasol became more highly appreciated as a big-time NBA star, even though he never reached the level that Kobe did. Bryant retired as one of the top 10 players of all time, despite having only won 1 MVP. He might have won more, had it not been for....
3) Lebron James and his 4 MVPs, the second of which followed the 2009-2010 season. He remained in Cleveland despite the long discussions that he might leave, ultimately leading the Cavs to a championship in 2011. That title came at the point where Boston and the Lakers had passed their prime and before the beatings of the seasons started to wear James down. In subsequent years James makes it public that Mike Brown, the head coach up until the Championship season, was potentially responsible for messing up years of James' career running clear outs 20 times a night.
4) Albert Pujols retired in 2016 being hailed as one of the great hitters of all time, drawing comparisons to Ruth, Williams, and Dimaggio. He finished with 600 home runs, but more impressively with 5 MVP awards and a staggering 12 seasons voted in the top 5 of the MVP race, none of which are tainted by the steroid scandal of the 2003-2009 era.
5) Alex Rodriguez finishes his career limping to surpass Barry Bonds as the all-time home run leader. He settles into the last 6 seasons with the Yankees as a high-level role player, a preferable situation to the limelight he had previously enjoyed. He ends up at 800 home runs, but never fully regained a strong fan allegiance.
6) Tom Brady and Payton Manning both retired, Brady in 2016 and Manning a year later. They conclude their careers as 2 of the top 5 quarterbacks to play the game (with Montana, Elway, and Johnny Unitas) and with a combined 6 MVP awards and 6 Championships. Inevitably debate rages as to which of the 2 was better, and the opposing views never come to a firm stance. Manning ends up with more MVPs, and Brady more titles. This blog admittedly has a well-known personal preference on the issue.
7) The 2016 Olympics are an enormous debacle, leaving people to wonder how the IOC could have seen Rio as a sufficiently modern and functioning city to host the millions of people traveling to the games. Massive fraud and corruption charges taint every element, leaving the Olympic brand in danger of becoming permanently damaged.
8) The financial issues of the NFL received substantial press but in the end, there is little impact in terms of overall league operation. In 2013 the Jacksonville Jaguars moved to Los Angeles, despite their having made numerous attempts to gain support (namely the drafting of Tim Tebow). The labor dispute lead to a delay in the 2011 training camp schedule and threats of a lockout, but this was resolved without major disruptions in the regular season. The other major change was the development of a pay-per-view system by which fans can watch any game for about $8 per game from the NFL directly. This replaces the less successful NFL Ticket that DirecTV had marketed heavily.
Whew!! What an update over the last few years. It's been a crazy time, but we've sure as hell had a good time of it.
While we're here, let's take a look back through the last decade or so back through to the start-up of IWICQYTB:
1) Tiger Woods bounced back from his tabloid mess and pretty much kept on winning. He made it clear that he felt bad about what had happened, but never gave in to the pricks who wanted him to come and kiss their asses. He ended up passing Nicklaus' Majors record, and while he never regained his standing as a major endorsement figure, the whole scandalous element blew over the way these things always do. He never really turned into the villain, either, he just kept to himself and won a ton of tournaments, basically a golf version of Kobe Bryant.
2) Speaking of Kobe Bryant, he won another championship with the Lake show and Pau Gasol. As Kobe started to fade a little, Gasol became more highly appreciated as a big-time NBA star, even though he never reached the level that Kobe did. Bryant retired as one of the top 10 players of all time, despite having only won 1 MVP. He might have won more, had it not been for....
3) Lebron James and his 4 MVPs, the second of which followed the 2009-2010 season. He remained in Cleveland despite the long discussions that he might leave, ultimately leading the Cavs to a championship in 2011. That title came at the point where Boston and the Lakers had passed their prime and before the beatings of the seasons started to wear James down. In subsequent years James makes it public that Mike Brown, the head coach up until the Championship season, was potentially responsible for messing up years of James' career running clear outs 20 times a night.
4) Albert Pujols retired in 2016 being hailed as one of the great hitters of all time, drawing comparisons to Ruth, Williams, and Dimaggio. He finished with 600 home runs, but more impressively with 5 MVP awards and a staggering 12 seasons voted in the top 5 of the MVP race, none of which are tainted by the steroid scandal of the 2003-2009 era.
5) Alex Rodriguez finishes his career limping to surpass Barry Bonds as the all-time home run leader. He settles into the last 6 seasons with the Yankees as a high-level role player, a preferable situation to the limelight he had previously enjoyed. He ends up at 800 home runs, but never fully regained a strong fan allegiance.
6) Tom Brady and Payton Manning both retired, Brady in 2016 and Manning a year later. They conclude their careers as 2 of the top 5 quarterbacks to play the game (with Montana, Elway, and Johnny Unitas) and with a combined 6 MVP awards and 6 Championships. Inevitably debate rages as to which of the 2 was better, and the opposing views never come to a firm stance. Manning ends up with more MVPs, and Brady more titles. This blog admittedly has a well-known personal preference on the issue.
7) The 2016 Olympics are an enormous debacle, leaving people to wonder how the IOC could have seen Rio as a sufficiently modern and functioning city to host the millions of people traveling to the games. Massive fraud and corruption charges taint every element, leaving the Olympic brand in danger of becoming permanently damaged.
8) The financial issues of the NFL received substantial press but in the end, there is little impact in terms of overall league operation. In 2013 the Jacksonville Jaguars moved to Los Angeles, despite their having made numerous attempts to gain support (namely the drafting of Tim Tebow). The labor dispute lead to a delay in the 2011 training camp schedule and threats of a lockout, but this was resolved without major disruptions in the regular season. The other major change was the development of a pay-per-view system by which fans can watch any game for about $8 per game from the NFL directly. This replaces the less successful NFL Ticket that DirecTV had marketed heavily.
Whew!! What an update over the last few years. It's been a crazy time, but we've sure as hell had a good time of it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Just grow a pair, MTV
This Thursday we were all treated to perhaps the greatest New Year's Eve gift of all: a new "Jersey Shore." It was a little bit of a letdown maybe, but that was almost inevitable after last week's masterpiece. It was the closest thing we'll ever see to the lovechild of Shakespeare and Amy Winehouse.
But as much as I have loved this parade of Bacardi-fueled debauchery, I have some serious qualms with the network itself. I don't blame the Guidos for the same reason I don't blame the cast of "Meerkat Manor" for being kind of mean to each other and getting killed by jackals and cobras--it's just what they do. That being said, over the last few weeks MTV displayed approximately the same level of consistency on the issue of violence as a rabid squirrel set on fire.
Let's run the timeline of events:
1) MTV extensively runs the clip of Snookie being punched in the face to build interest in the episode.
2) MTV circulates it online for the same purpose.
3) MTV announces that we won't be seeing the actual punch on the show because of it's concerns that the act would be condoning violence against women. There is also a serious looking PSA at the end of the show denouncing violence.
4) In the following episode, JWOWW initiates a fistfight against multiple strangers. This is followed by numerous slow-mo replays and and extended analysis by Snookie and Jwowww explaining how awesome that was, and how much she enjoys fighting.
5) Clips from next week when Ronnie apparently assumes his role of street brawler by drunkenly fighting with another stranger.
6) Snookie murders two people with a nail-filled two by four. MTV charges $39.95 on pay per view to see it live.
OK, the last one was only partially true. They wouldn't have shown it live since there would have been too little chance for replays and in-fight analysis from Snookie ("I jus saw her all up on my poof and I'm all like HELLLSS NOOOO!!! YOU DO NOT TOUCH MY POOF! And then I hit her in the eye with my board.")
The problem here is that the network made this whole push to come off as respectful of women and opposed to violence, and then spent the next 2 episodes fully advocating drunken fighting with strangers. Which inherently puzzles me as to why they felt it necessary to black out the actual punch everyone wanted to see. I don't doubt that they were receiving some flack from organizations opposed to violence (and normal society in general), but since when has this mattered? They've been catching hell from pretty much every Italian organization and I'm sure any number of feminist groups since day one, yet somehow they thought it would look responsible if they blacked out a single act that was probably the one thing that wasn't the fault of the show's characters. Huh?
I suppose it's partially to give the appearance of not trying to capitalize on violence, but it's really irrelevant in the broader context. If we're going to go the route of trashy, gritty, realism, why the hell are we suddenly censoring the elements that best demonstrate the danger and repugnance of what happened. It's because, wait for it....they don't really give a shit. If they were really concerned with violence, they'd either :(1)not show (and inherently approve of) any of it or (2) show everything and then be critical of it. Instead, they've neutered the negatives of what happened and promoted the parts where people didn't get hurt as some sort of rascally good fun. Problem is, the main arc of episode 7 isn't going to be where Ronnie has to visit his probation officer for an aggravated assault.
My stance is to just show everything and then if you want to call it bad, then do it. But the half-way thing is a complete waste of everyone's time. And the option to cut out the negative ramifications while showing how fun it is to attack strangers is completely out of line and does nothing except suggest that it's not really that bad.
I'll write more on the season so far and other items, probably some football and news. Lots to get caught up on, so I'll post next early next week.
But as much as I have loved this parade of Bacardi-fueled debauchery, I have some serious qualms with the network itself. I don't blame the Guidos for the same reason I don't blame the cast of "Meerkat Manor" for being kind of mean to each other and getting killed by jackals and cobras--it's just what they do. That being said, over the last few weeks MTV displayed approximately the same level of consistency on the issue of violence as a rabid squirrel set on fire.
Let's run the timeline of events:
1) MTV extensively runs the clip of Snookie being punched in the face to build interest in the episode.
2) MTV circulates it online for the same purpose.
3) MTV announces that we won't be seeing the actual punch on the show because of it's concerns that the act would be condoning violence against women. There is also a serious looking PSA at the end of the show denouncing violence.
4) In the following episode, JWOWW initiates a fistfight against multiple strangers. This is followed by numerous slow-mo replays and and extended analysis by Snookie and Jwowww explaining how awesome that was, and how much she enjoys fighting.
5) Clips from next week when Ronnie apparently assumes his role of street brawler by drunkenly fighting with another stranger.
6) Snookie murders two people with a nail-filled two by four. MTV charges $39.95 on pay per view to see it live.
OK, the last one was only partially true. They wouldn't have shown it live since there would have been too little chance for replays and in-fight analysis from Snookie ("I jus saw her all up on my poof and I'm all like HELLLSS NOOOO!!! YOU DO NOT TOUCH MY POOF! And then I hit her in the eye with my board.")
The problem here is that the network made this whole push to come off as respectful of women and opposed to violence, and then spent the next 2 episodes fully advocating drunken fighting with strangers. Which inherently puzzles me as to why they felt it necessary to black out the actual punch everyone wanted to see. I don't doubt that they were receiving some flack from organizations opposed to violence (and normal society in general), but since when has this mattered? They've been catching hell from pretty much every Italian organization and I'm sure any number of feminist groups since day one, yet somehow they thought it would look responsible if they blacked out a single act that was probably the one thing that wasn't the fault of the show's characters. Huh?
I suppose it's partially to give the appearance of not trying to capitalize on violence, but it's really irrelevant in the broader context. If we're going to go the route of trashy, gritty, realism, why the hell are we suddenly censoring the elements that best demonstrate the danger and repugnance of what happened. It's because, wait for it....they don't really give a shit. If they were really concerned with violence, they'd either :(1)not show (and inherently approve of) any of it or (2) show everything and then be critical of it. Instead, they've neutered the negatives of what happened and promoted the parts where people didn't get hurt as some sort of rascally good fun. Problem is, the main arc of episode 7 isn't going to be where Ronnie has to visit his probation officer for an aggravated assault.
My stance is to just show everything and then if you want to call it bad, then do it. But the half-way thing is a complete waste of everyone's time. And the option to cut out the negative ramifications while showing how fun it is to attack strangers is completely out of line and does nothing except suggest that it's not really that bad.
I'll write more on the season so far and other items, probably some football and news. Lots to get caught up on, so I'll post next early next week.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Decade of the Alternate Reality
So I think it's fair at this point to view the last decade as overall a pretty awful period of time, when it comes to the Nation as a whole.
The odd part of it is that even though even when things started to turn problematic, we never really took that next step and actually acted on it. Somehow when the Bush administration and the whole crew of troublemakers served us all a shit sandwich, we ate the thing and ordered another one if it came with a free dessert. Don't even ask what's in the dessert.
As a result, I'm hereby offering my List of the Top 5 Frauds of the Decade:
5. The Sports Purity Myth:
This really goes to the extended period of various athletic organizations, and the perpetually fabricated notion of the games being focused on good, honest sportsmanship and competition. Hey, I'm fine with artificial enhancements when it's done openly. There's nothing morally wrong with an actress getting huge fake breasts or whatever the hell Mickey Rourke did to his face, creepy as it may be. At least they'll admit to getting the work done to have big fake breasts or whatever it was Mickey Rourke was trying to get (maybe more roles as a horrible burn victim?). Professional wrestling deserves some serious props for at least owning up to the fact that it's not real, and the guys are on huge numbers of steroids. But the sporting community has never honestly come to grips with all its demons, and that creates a huge misrepresentation of what's happening.
The biggest American athletic scandal over the last decade has been the baseball steroid situation--unquestionably. Consider where we were in the late nineties. In 1998 and 1999, Sammy Sosa averaged 65 homers and 150 RBI as the darling of both MLB and the country. Mark McGwire was still a monster star, and was suddenly promoting Bedwetting Awareness (and he made us feel bad for kidding about it). And this was before everyone from A-Rod, Bonds, and Manny Ramirez got roped into it after their enormous personal success. Ugh. What a goddamn mess everything became. The good thing is that finally everyone wised up in the latter part of the decade and became distrustful, but no one stopped watching or buying stuff, so it didn't matter.
The NFL is facing some serious problems as well, although the money situation is overall pretty good (even if there is a lock-out in the next few years, everyone involved is still rich). Most importantly of the issues, there has been an increasing focus being cast on the long-term health of players. Realistically, the NFL has about as much concern for the post-retirement lives of its workers as a Cambodian whorehouse. The average life span for players with 5 year careers is 55, and 52 for linemen. Brain injuries are an enormous part of the game and at some point, there's going to be a reckoning with all of this. I love the NFL like few other things, but the way the league has tossed aging players onto the scrap heap is a disgrace.
Others in this category: NCAA recruiting and enormous money, NBA Refs and Player Drug Use, Money controlling the Olympic Committees.
4. Fictitious Media as Reality
This is somewhat of a consolidation, as I'm combining a number of elements. We've seen the enormous growth of "Reality Television" as a mainstream form of entertainment, even though to say that it even vaguely reflects reality is preposterous. I don't mind it as a form of entertainment, and I fully admit to loving some of the trashiest entries (You know I love "Jersey Shore"), but when some of the shows create this manufactured image of the ideal and people start emulating it, that's a problem. I've got no beef with the stuff that's clearly a niche thing or documentary style (like "Real World Challenge" and "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." You're not in Thailand eating bugs with Johnny Bananas and you'd know if you were pregnant, even though if they didn't.). Same thing for the big jump in cable news, mainly the gauntlet of derangement offered every night at Fox News. They offer up this explanation that Glenn Beck and the rest of the Patriotism Action Squad is all "analysis" and thus doesn't have to follow the normal standards of journalistic responsibility, but let's get real, people. Everything on these shows is presented as fact, and everybody knows it.
And the concept of Hannah Montana. It's a Disney show that somehow became the biggest entity since gravity, denim, and the color orange. Seriously, Hannah Montana is bigger than the color orange, and somehow she's able to still hang her hat as a "musician" or "person with a soul." When this makes sense, someone please let me know. I'll be banging my head against a wall to the beat of "Achy Breaky Heart."
3. The Conservative Co-Opting of American Social and Legal Values
When we look back in a few years, we're going to really regret a lot of what happened over the last decade in the name of: (1) traditional values; and (2) National security. We somehow managed to follow the right wing into, among other things: cutting taxes for the wealthiest segments of the population, continually undercutting the rights of gay Americans trying to just get married, rolling back gun laws, and ensuring that the all Americans have access to quality health care. We saw an administration somehow try to justify torture and pass it off as a reasonable way to gather information. We also saw that same administration take step after step to isolate the country from the rest of the world. Seriously, who thought it was a good plan to appoint someone (John Bolton) who openly despised the United Nations to be the UN Ambassador?
And yet somehow an enormous part of the population still bought this. And they bought into creationism, abstinence-only education, deregulating financial rules, and secretly screwing Veterans by cutting VA benefits and health care when they came home. But torture was OK. Right. Got it.
For chrissakes people, open your damn eyes.
2. Enron, Madoff, and Lehman, and the Myth of Getting Rich
I group these together because while the details had distinctions, the ultimate point was basically the same. In short, these 3 were able to convince enough people (and themselves) that it was possible to pull enough shady shit to get rich without anyone figuring out how it happened.
Enron went down about 10 years ago, and despite being the warning that we ought to learn a little something, nobody did. Turns out it's tougher to make a truckload of money when you can't make stuff up. Who knew? Enron, as a reminder, was a huge Texas energy corporation with a ton of power (back in the day Phil Gramm was nicknamed "The Senator from Enron") bringing in about $100 Billion in annual revenue. The problem was that they were bleeding red ink on a lot of their internal finances, and paid off their accounting firm (Arthur Andersen) to fudge the numbers by a few billion. Of course when it all shook down, the people on the bottom lost everything, all but a handful in the middle and top just walked away rich, and a couple of big players went to jail.
Within a couple of years the mortgage crisis started developing and firms like Lehman started investing huge funds into stuff that didn't really exist for purposes other than making themselves rich off of other people's money (like credit default swaps). Same deal with Madoff. Nobody questioned it when they looked like they were making money. And nobody cared about whether they were selling ridiculous mortgages if they could collect a fee and pass it off to someone else.
Maybe that's the biggest takeaway from all of this. There was always a chance to catch the financial frauds at any point, but nobody wanted to. Blowing the whistle always meant the end of the gravy train, and nobody wanted it to end. Problem was, it had to end sometime and the longer it went, more people hopped on board.
1. Iraq
By this point, it's clear to everyone that there wasn't any factual basis for why we ever stepped foot in Iraq. There was no yellow cake, no WMDs, no Al Qaeda, and no goddamn point. Now that the smoke has cleared, it's apparent that we've now lost $700 Billion, over 4000 dead American soldiers and another 30,000 wounded, anywhere between 100,000 and a million dead Iraqis, and there's no stopping any of these numbers soon. Dick Cheney used to talk about not wanting the "smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud," and instead it's just a giant pile of burning money and large sections of Iraq being on fire over the last 7 years.
The ugliest part of it is that even though the Republicans dragged us into this debacle, they're still sticking to the idea that it was a good idea and somehow the fault of the Democrats. "Well they voted for it too!" the right contends. Well no shit they did. When the President tells everyone that they have surefire evidence that we are under imminent threat of nuclear attack from the Iraqi government, I hope to hell they support action. There's nothing wrong with confronting an aggressive enemy. But when the President and his cronies make the whole damn thing up to make the hawks look good, that's just punching a ticket for disaster.
And so, here's a hope that as we move onward, we get it together a little bit and stop falling for the same old tricks. There has been a little bit of movement on rolling on past the health care scare tactics the conservatives and insurance lobby tossed out there this summer (Death Panels! Free Insurance for Illegal Aliens! Scary Public Option Bad!), indicating some growth in the bullshit radar of at least 55% of the American public. There are always going to be 30% who buy whatever Hannity and the boys are paid to sell, and they're not worth worrying about. But the remaining 70% needs to keep fighting for reality, now and throughout the next Decade.
Let's make it the Decade of (Actual) Reality.
The odd part of it is that even though even when things started to turn problematic, we never really took that next step and actually acted on it. Somehow when the Bush administration and the whole crew of troublemakers served us all a shit sandwich, we ate the thing and ordered another one if it came with a free dessert. Don't even ask what's in the dessert.
As a result, I'm hereby offering my List of the Top 5 Frauds of the Decade:
5. The Sports Purity Myth:
This really goes to the extended period of various athletic organizations, and the perpetually fabricated notion of the games being focused on good, honest sportsmanship and competition. Hey, I'm fine with artificial enhancements when it's done openly. There's nothing morally wrong with an actress getting huge fake breasts or whatever the hell Mickey Rourke did to his face, creepy as it may be. At least they'll admit to getting the work done to have big fake breasts or whatever it was Mickey Rourke was trying to get (maybe more roles as a horrible burn victim?). Professional wrestling deserves some serious props for at least owning up to the fact that it's not real, and the guys are on huge numbers of steroids. But the sporting community has never honestly come to grips with all its demons, and that creates a huge misrepresentation of what's happening.
The biggest American athletic scandal over the last decade has been the baseball steroid situation--unquestionably. Consider where we were in the late nineties. In 1998 and 1999, Sammy Sosa averaged 65 homers and 150 RBI as the darling of both MLB and the country. Mark McGwire was still a monster star, and was suddenly promoting Bedwetting Awareness (and he made us feel bad for kidding about it). And this was before everyone from A-Rod, Bonds, and Manny Ramirez got roped into it after their enormous personal success. Ugh. What a goddamn mess everything became. The good thing is that finally everyone wised up in the latter part of the decade and became distrustful, but no one stopped watching or buying stuff, so it didn't matter.
The NFL is facing some serious problems as well, although the money situation is overall pretty good (even if there is a lock-out in the next few years, everyone involved is still rich). Most importantly of the issues, there has been an increasing focus being cast on the long-term health of players. Realistically, the NFL has about as much concern for the post-retirement lives of its workers as a Cambodian whorehouse. The average life span for players with 5 year careers is 55, and 52 for linemen. Brain injuries are an enormous part of the game and at some point, there's going to be a reckoning with all of this. I love the NFL like few other things, but the way the league has tossed aging players onto the scrap heap is a disgrace.
Others in this category: NCAA recruiting and enormous money, NBA Refs and Player Drug Use, Money controlling the Olympic Committees.
4. Fictitious Media as Reality
This is somewhat of a consolidation, as I'm combining a number of elements. We've seen the enormous growth of "Reality Television" as a mainstream form of entertainment, even though to say that it even vaguely reflects reality is preposterous. I don't mind it as a form of entertainment, and I fully admit to loving some of the trashiest entries (You know I love "Jersey Shore"), but when some of the shows create this manufactured image of the ideal and people start emulating it, that's a problem. I've got no beef with the stuff that's clearly a niche thing or documentary style (like "Real World Challenge" and "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." You're not in Thailand eating bugs with Johnny Bananas and you'd know if you were pregnant, even though if they didn't.). Same thing for the big jump in cable news, mainly the gauntlet of derangement offered every night at Fox News. They offer up this explanation that Glenn Beck and the rest of the Patriotism Action Squad is all "analysis" and thus doesn't have to follow the normal standards of journalistic responsibility, but let's get real, people. Everything on these shows is presented as fact, and everybody knows it.
And the concept of Hannah Montana. It's a Disney show that somehow became the biggest entity since gravity, denim, and the color orange. Seriously, Hannah Montana is bigger than the color orange, and somehow she's able to still hang her hat as a "musician" or "person with a soul." When this makes sense, someone please let me know. I'll be banging my head against a wall to the beat of "Achy Breaky Heart."
3. The Conservative Co-Opting of American Social and Legal Values
When we look back in a few years, we're going to really regret a lot of what happened over the last decade in the name of: (1) traditional values; and (2) National security. We somehow managed to follow the right wing into, among other things: cutting taxes for the wealthiest segments of the population, continually undercutting the rights of gay Americans trying to just get married, rolling back gun laws, and ensuring that the all Americans have access to quality health care. We saw an administration somehow try to justify torture and pass it off as a reasonable way to gather information. We also saw that same administration take step after step to isolate the country from the rest of the world. Seriously, who thought it was a good plan to appoint someone (John Bolton) who openly despised the United Nations to be the UN Ambassador?
And yet somehow an enormous part of the population still bought this. And they bought into creationism, abstinence-only education, deregulating financial rules, and secretly screwing Veterans by cutting VA benefits and health care when they came home. But torture was OK. Right. Got it.
For chrissakes people, open your damn eyes.
2. Enron, Madoff, and Lehman, and the Myth of Getting Rich
I group these together because while the details had distinctions, the ultimate point was basically the same. In short, these 3 were able to convince enough people (and themselves) that it was possible to pull enough shady shit to get rich without anyone figuring out how it happened.
Enron went down about 10 years ago, and despite being the warning that we ought to learn a little something, nobody did. Turns out it's tougher to make a truckload of money when you can't make stuff up. Who knew? Enron, as a reminder, was a huge Texas energy corporation with a ton of power (back in the day Phil Gramm was nicknamed "The Senator from Enron") bringing in about $100 Billion in annual revenue. The problem was that they were bleeding red ink on a lot of their internal finances, and paid off their accounting firm (Arthur Andersen) to fudge the numbers by a few billion. Of course when it all shook down, the people on the bottom lost everything, all but a handful in the middle and top just walked away rich, and a couple of big players went to jail.
Within a couple of years the mortgage crisis started developing and firms like Lehman started investing huge funds into stuff that didn't really exist for purposes other than making themselves rich off of other people's money (like credit default swaps). Same deal with Madoff. Nobody questioned it when they looked like they were making money. And nobody cared about whether they were selling ridiculous mortgages if they could collect a fee and pass it off to someone else.
Maybe that's the biggest takeaway from all of this. There was always a chance to catch the financial frauds at any point, but nobody wanted to. Blowing the whistle always meant the end of the gravy train, and nobody wanted it to end. Problem was, it had to end sometime and the longer it went, more people hopped on board.
1. Iraq
By this point, it's clear to everyone that there wasn't any factual basis for why we ever stepped foot in Iraq. There was no yellow cake, no WMDs, no Al Qaeda, and no goddamn point. Now that the smoke has cleared, it's apparent that we've now lost $700 Billion, over 4000 dead American soldiers and another 30,000 wounded, anywhere between 100,000 and a million dead Iraqis, and there's no stopping any of these numbers soon. Dick Cheney used to talk about not wanting the "smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud," and instead it's just a giant pile of burning money and large sections of Iraq being on fire over the last 7 years.
The ugliest part of it is that even though the Republicans dragged us into this debacle, they're still sticking to the idea that it was a good idea and somehow the fault of the Democrats. "Well they voted for it too!" the right contends. Well no shit they did. When the President tells everyone that they have surefire evidence that we are under imminent threat of nuclear attack from the Iraqi government, I hope to hell they support action. There's nothing wrong with confronting an aggressive enemy. But when the President and his cronies make the whole damn thing up to make the hawks look good, that's just punching a ticket for disaster.
And so, here's a hope that as we move onward, we get it together a little bit and stop falling for the same old tricks. There has been a little bit of movement on rolling on past the health care scare tactics the conservatives and insurance lobby tossed out there this summer (Death Panels! Free Insurance for Illegal Aliens! Scary Public Option Bad!), indicating some growth in the bullshit radar of at least 55% of the American public. There are always going to be 30% who buy whatever Hannity and the boys are paid to sell, and they're not worth worrying about. But the remaining 70% needs to keep fighting for reality, now and throughout the next Decade.
Let's make it the Decade of (Actual) Reality.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The #1 Most Wonderful Time of the Year
It's that remarkable time of year where everybody and their brother starts cranking out the "Best of the Year" List. Hey, I get it. This is a good time to look back and evaluate where we've been as a culture and compare the highs and lows. More importantly, it's an easy way to skip out on a couple of weeks of actual journalism and start up some fervent discussion as to whether "GI Joe" was better than "Old Dogs." (The answer to that, of course, will be debated by scholars for years.)
Among the most widely seen of this series of lists are the ones published by Entertainment Weekly. By now, a few of you know I have my own personal beef with EW (they don't seem to have any beef with me, I guess). I love it as a quick filler for coffee tables and dental waiting rooms, and it's impeccable as a restroom literature source. They generally get who they are just fine, and everyone's happy. The problem is that interspersed with the poppy Tiger Beat stuff, they sometimes start making comparisons to more highbrow elements and the whole damn thing blows up in a sloppy mess of artistic/cultural relativism. The whole "it's good for what it is trying to be, so it gets an A- as a tween album even though it's recycled dreck" argument.
I'm not looking for Pitchfork reviews here (Among my favorite lines from a Pitchfork review of Kid A: "The experience and emotions tied to listening to Kid A are like witnessing the stillborn birth of a child while simultaneously having the opportunity to see her play in the afterlife on Imax." I cannot understand how this is remotely helpful to anyone with their head not firmly inside their ass. I like that the stillborn child is on an Imax, though, and not a normal movie screen. Widescreens are so passe.) What kills me with EW is that they give something a mediocre review, then publicize the hell out of it and pass it off like it's culturally relevant for its artistic value. I'm fine with big successes getting covered as a newsworthy event. I don't give a shit about Twilight or the Hannah Montana movie, but I get that a lot of people do, and that has news value in itself. But to subsequently conflate this as being indicative of critical importance or to compare it to lesser known items on a single list is idiotic and realistically, irresponsible as a journalistic entity.
My main objection is Sandra Bullock. Listen, I wish the woman the best and hope she has a nice Holiday. EW just published her as the "#1 Entertainer of the Year" in this week's edition and had a cover story last week about her work. This, in short, is preposterous. The woman made two movies that both received mediocre reviews, but did well financially, and as a result, we're now declaring her to be the top artistic performer of the year? Huh? It's not that some snobby film commission didn't like it, EW noted that "The Blind Side," "isn't solid at all — it's more like cotton-candy uplift" and gave it a C. "The Proposal," her other big hit, got a B+, narrowly edging the artistic achievement, "Paul Blart."
In contrast, there was no mention of George Clooney, even though his "Up in the Air" was their film of the year (as well as a great many others'). Nothing for anyone attached to much more highly regarded films like "District 9," "Up," or "The Hurt Locker." I only reference other movies and actors to make the comparison a little more natural--they ranked Lady Gaga highly and I can't see why she lost out to the cotton-candy uplift. In the end, this is all fine if we're going to portray this as a list of "The Biggest Hits" or "Nicest Surprise for People We Thought Were Dead After "Miss Congeniality 2." But the fringing of the lines between box office receipts and putting out material that furthers the genre drives me absolutely batshit crazy.
Anyways, that's about it on this issue. I know she's gotten a Golden Globe nomination, and if I had any real regard for that, it would really mean something. Especially if she won. This stuff really falls into a lot of the same problems as the Heisman (I mention this because of a recent post criticizing voters who don't pay enough attention), so there's a grain/mountain of salt to be had with all the trophy business. I know some people take the opposite view on the whole thing and see the merging as a little more allowable, and I'm being a self-righteous prick about the whole thing. But I don't care, I'm sticking to my view: You can't be Entertainer of the Year when you make "All About Steve," and that's all there is to it.
Among the most widely seen of this series of lists are the ones published by Entertainment Weekly. By now, a few of you know I have my own personal beef with EW (they don't seem to have any beef with me, I guess). I love it as a quick filler for coffee tables and dental waiting rooms, and it's impeccable as a restroom literature source. They generally get who they are just fine, and everyone's happy. The problem is that interspersed with the poppy Tiger Beat stuff, they sometimes start making comparisons to more highbrow elements and the whole damn thing blows up in a sloppy mess of artistic/cultural relativism. The whole "it's good for what it is trying to be, so it gets an A- as a tween album even though it's recycled dreck" argument.
I'm not looking for Pitchfork reviews here (Among my favorite lines from a Pitchfork review of Kid A: "The experience and emotions tied to listening to Kid A are like witnessing the stillborn birth of a child while simultaneously having the opportunity to see her play in the afterlife on Imax." I cannot understand how this is remotely helpful to anyone with their head not firmly inside their ass. I like that the stillborn child is on an Imax, though, and not a normal movie screen. Widescreens are so passe.) What kills me with EW is that they give something a mediocre review, then publicize the hell out of it and pass it off like it's culturally relevant for its artistic value. I'm fine with big successes getting covered as a newsworthy event. I don't give a shit about Twilight or the Hannah Montana movie, but I get that a lot of people do, and that has news value in itself. But to subsequently conflate this as being indicative of critical importance or to compare it to lesser known items on a single list is idiotic and realistically, irresponsible as a journalistic entity.
My main objection is Sandra Bullock. Listen, I wish the woman the best and hope she has a nice Holiday. EW just published her as the "#1 Entertainer of the Year" in this week's edition and had a cover story last week about her work. This, in short, is preposterous. The woman made two movies that both received mediocre reviews, but did well financially, and as a result, we're now declaring her to be the top artistic performer of the year? Huh? It's not that some snobby film commission didn't like it, EW noted that "The Blind Side," "isn't solid at all — it's more like cotton-candy uplift" and gave it a C. "The Proposal," her other big hit, got a B+, narrowly edging the artistic achievement, "Paul Blart."
In contrast, there was no mention of George Clooney, even though his "Up in the Air" was their film of the year (as well as a great many others'). Nothing for anyone attached to much more highly regarded films like "District 9," "Up," or "The Hurt Locker." I only reference other movies and actors to make the comparison a little more natural--they ranked Lady Gaga highly and I can't see why she lost out to the cotton-candy uplift. In the end, this is all fine if we're going to portray this as a list of "The Biggest Hits" or "Nicest Surprise for People We Thought Were Dead After "Miss Congeniality 2." But the fringing of the lines between box office receipts and putting out material that furthers the genre drives me absolutely batshit crazy.
Anyways, that's about it on this issue. I know she's gotten a Golden Globe nomination, and if I had any real regard for that, it would really mean something. Especially if she won. This stuff really falls into a lot of the same problems as the Heisman (I mention this because of a recent post criticizing voters who don't pay enough attention), so there's a grain/mountain of salt to be had with all the trophy business. I know some people take the opposite view on the whole thing and see the merging as a little more allowable, and I'm being a self-righteous prick about the whole thing. But I don't care, I'm sticking to my view: You can't be Entertainer of the Year when you make "All About Steve," and that's all there is to it.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
NFL Items, 12/19 and 12/20
So for this week, there are a handful of games that really do pose some interesting questions. We're at the point of the season where all the teams fit into one of about 3 categories:
(1) The few who have locked up the division and are just riding out the string to avoid injuries (Indy, New Orleans, Minnesota, San Diego, Cincinnati, Arizona, etc.)
(2) The crowd of teams with plausible to flickering playoff hopes (New England, Green Bay, Miami, Houston, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Tennessee, etc.)
(3) The stiffs who are already done for the year (Buffalo, Cleveland, KC, Detroit, etc.)
Taking a look at the picks and games, what have we got here?
New Orleans vs. Dallas:
How does this not end up at about 38-30? Dallas really doesn't do much on defense, and their offense is good enough to put up some points. To have a shot at the upset, the Cowboys are going to need a couple of huge defensive plays, like a strip sack at the Saint 10 and/or an interception for a TD. Overall, an unlikely scenario.
The Equation: Saints' Explosion - Saint's Ability to Stop the Run + Dallas' Inconsistency = NO, 38-30.
New England vs. Buffalo:
New England has consistently owned Buffalo, and even when they haven't played well (like last weekend), they've done enough to grind out wins over bad teams. Buffalo shouldn't be able to throw much, and NE can stack 8 in the box and force them to win through the air. Look for the Pats to play it safe offensively, and have success.
Equation: Pats Offensive Efficiency + Buffalo's Inability to Consistently Pass = NE, 27-16.
Atlanta at Jets:
If Atlanta was 7-6 and not 6-7, I'd think about picking them here. But they're not. And I have a feeling they're going to pack it up tomorrow in the cold weather. The Jets are going to run it right over an undersized Atlanta D, and make enough plays to keep the Falcon offense in check. I'm looking for a fairly unwatchable game, TV-wise. Although I think Tony Gonzalez could play well, I don't like the Atlanta offense in this game.
Equation: Jet run game + Atlanta's questionable motivation + Solid Jet D = Jets, 20-13.
Green Bay vs. Pittsburgh:
Pittsburgh's really been exposed lately as somewhere between a bully and a sham. They've really relied on beating up on bad teams, and now injuries have removed their ability to do that. Green Bay has played well lately and should be able to throw the ball on an overrated Pittsburgh secondary. Look for Green Bay to play a lot of coverage and make some plays in the secondary.
Equation: Pittsburgh's Suddenly Shaky D + Green Bay's Explosive Passing + Play Making Secondary= Green Bay, 30-20.
Bengals v. Chargers:
Best Game of the Weekend. Both teams are playoff locks, so it's really a matter of home field advantage. And of course, there's the Chris Henry factor. These things have a way of motivating the team to play with a lot of heart, and the Bengals have already shown they respond to these bad situations (Early in the year they had a huge win after the Defensive Coordinator's wife died mid-week). That, and the Cincy cornerbacks are a hell of a lot better than the public knows.
Equation: Bengals Emotional Edge + Healthy Benson + San Diego's Good but Susceptible Defense= Cincinnati, 24-20.
Bears v. Ravens:
By now, it's clear that the Bears are D-U-N. Too bad Chicago couldn't play Thursday night because then when they mailed it in they could have gotten it there by Christmas. Baltimore's going to look like world-beaters, and my guess is that this isn't close. Probably a Raven defensive TD, although I don't think Flacco is going to be the big hitter. Rice is going to have a stat line like 130 yards rushing, 2 TDs.
Equation: Bears Cashing it in+ Ravens running game + Raven Frustration = Baltimore, 34-13.
Vikings vs. Panthers
Hey, speaking of teams that have completely mailed it in, it's the Panthers! This team is really just a pile of shit in powder blue unis. This is a terrible match-up for Carolina, and Jared Allen will have 3 sacks and a forced fumble tomorrow. Even though Favre hasn't played well lately, Peterson can carry them enough to make this a lopsided win.
Equation: Well, Carolina is Junk + Minnesota's Running Game + Minn. D Line = Vikes, 30-10.
(1) The few who have locked up the division and are just riding out the string to avoid injuries (Indy, New Orleans, Minnesota, San Diego, Cincinnati, Arizona, etc.)
(2) The crowd of teams with plausible to flickering playoff hopes (New England, Green Bay, Miami, Houston, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Tennessee, etc.)
(3) The stiffs who are already done for the year (Buffalo, Cleveland, KC, Detroit, etc.)
Taking a look at the picks and games, what have we got here?
New Orleans vs. Dallas:
How does this not end up at about 38-30? Dallas really doesn't do much on defense, and their offense is good enough to put up some points. To have a shot at the upset, the Cowboys are going to need a couple of huge defensive plays, like a strip sack at the Saint 10 and/or an interception for a TD. Overall, an unlikely scenario.
The Equation: Saints' Explosion - Saint's Ability to Stop the Run + Dallas' Inconsistency = NO, 38-30.
New England vs. Buffalo:
New England has consistently owned Buffalo, and even when they haven't played well (like last weekend), they've done enough to grind out wins over bad teams. Buffalo shouldn't be able to throw much, and NE can stack 8 in the box and force them to win through the air. Look for the Pats to play it safe offensively, and have success.
Equation: Pats Offensive Efficiency + Buffalo's Inability to Consistently Pass = NE, 27-16.
Atlanta at Jets:
If Atlanta was 7-6 and not 6-7, I'd think about picking them here. But they're not. And I have a feeling they're going to pack it up tomorrow in the cold weather. The Jets are going to run it right over an undersized Atlanta D, and make enough plays to keep the Falcon offense in check. I'm looking for a fairly unwatchable game, TV-wise. Although I think Tony Gonzalez could play well, I don't like the Atlanta offense in this game.
Equation: Jet run game + Atlanta's questionable motivation + Solid Jet D = Jets, 20-13.
Green Bay vs. Pittsburgh:
Pittsburgh's really been exposed lately as somewhere between a bully and a sham. They've really relied on beating up on bad teams, and now injuries have removed their ability to do that. Green Bay has played well lately and should be able to throw the ball on an overrated Pittsburgh secondary. Look for Green Bay to play a lot of coverage and make some plays in the secondary.
Equation: Pittsburgh's Suddenly Shaky D + Green Bay's Explosive Passing + Play Making Secondary= Green Bay, 30-20.
Bengals v. Chargers:
Best Game of the Weekend. Both teams are playoff locks, so it's really a matter of home field advantage. And of course, there's the Chris Henry factor. These things have a way of motivating the team to play with a lot of heart, and the Bengals have already shown they respond to these bad situations (Early in the year they had a huge win after the Defensive Coordinator's wife died mid-week). That, and the Cincy cornerbacks are a hell of a lot better than the public knows.
Equation: Bengals Emotional Edge + Healthy Benson + San Diego's Good but Susceptible Defense= Cincinnati, 24-20.
Bears v. Ravens:
By now, it's clear that the Bears are D-U-N. Too bad Chicago couldn't play Thursday night because then when they mailed it in they could have gotten it there by Christmas. Baltimore's going to look like world-beaters, and my guess is that this isn't close. Probably a Raven defensive TD, although I don't think Flacco is going to be the big hitter. Rice is going to have a stat line like 130 yards rushing, 2 TDs.
Equation: Bears Cashing it in+ Ravens running game + Raven Frustration = Baltimore, 34-13.
Vikings vs. Panthers
Hey, speaking of teams that have completely mailed it in, it's the Panthers! This team is really just a pile of shit in powder blue unis. This is a terrible match-up for Carolina, and Jared Allen will have 3 sacks and a forced fumble tomorrow. Even though Favre hasn't played well lately, Peterson can carry them enough to make this a lopsided win.
Equation: Well, Carolina is Junk + Minnesota's Running Game + Minn. D Line = Vikes, 30-10.
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